When I was in High School, there was this incredibly popular show that you may have heard of: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It the second season Buffy and her vampire lover, Angel, had finally slept together. In that moment Angel lost his human soul making him into an evil vampire again, better known as Angelus. Angelus had ambitions to destroy the world, (at least he had goals right?) so he gets this ancient statue called the Acathla, which is apparently a demon with a sword stuck in its chest. If Angelus removes the sword with the slayers blood on his hands then he will unleash all of hell onto Earth, so like normal, Buffy goes to save the world again. She is fighting him despite how much she loves who he was when he had a soul. As the fight starts to turn for the worst, Buffy is thrown against a wall, slumped on the ground, her sword kicked off to the side, her friends either not with her or unconscious, and there is Angelus, sauntering up to her with the sword he has already removed from this demon that is working on opening a gateway to hell. As he walks up to her he says the following line:
"No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away and what's left?" He goes to make the killing blow and Buffy, girl power in surplus here, stops the blade before it reaches her face with her bare hands, opens her eyes, staring him down with determination and one very powerful word:
"Me."
Now of course at this point she kicks his ass, Willow restores his soul and she has to kill Angel instead of Angelus and it was a very heart wrenching episode. But I remember it very vividly because of that one set of lines.
In my life I have depended on a lot of things, or people, and inevitably they have all left me in some manner or another. (now to be fair I'm not pouting, and all these people or things didn't leave of their own free will) Some have been loved pets who met their end, friends who moved away or I moved from and we drifted apart. Some of them have been people who stepped outside my sharing circle and no longer know what is going in my life (honestly some of them have been downright kicked out of my sharing circle) and others wished to leave because it was where their journey was taking them.
I do have a few constants, a handful of friends who have been there for me since I met them, and family that always stands by me.
But then I have weeks where I feel so completely alone because I'm not sure who or what I can talk to about what aches in my heart, or frustrates my head. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this. Sometimes that ridiculous idiom that we are all as unique as a snowflake backfires and I think, "What if I don't want to be a snowflake? What if I want someone else to be just like me if only so there is someone else who understands what I am thinking?"
Recently I've gone through a lot: Pets dying, guys in other countries mailing love letters back to me and cutting off all communication, family members dying, figuring out what the hell to do with my life at this precipice, fighting with loved ones, fighting my urges to fix everything around me so everyone else is happy, getting my health under control, managing a LOT of different jobs that steal my time, managing my social life. I'm starting to feel like a terrible superwoman with all that I'm trying to do at once. I have found myself thinking a lot in the last week or two that I just really need someone I can lean on and give all my thoughts and concerns too. But I can't really do that. For one thing it isn't fair for me to give all my worries to someone else for them to deal with. Second of all I don't know how comfortable I feel sharing all the things in my head with anyone at the moment, too afraid of hurting feelings, or darkening someones day, or getting a lecture for my feelings. I don't need a teacher, just a listener.
But then this quote comes back into my head. "Me." In the last few years I have done a lot of work on myself, progressing myself forward and digging myself out of a pitty-party grave, and picking myself up. I've done a lot of soul searching and finding out who I am, and what I want or need. I have fixed a lot of my problems (and I have done that with some help from some very good friends) Again I'm not even suggesting for a second that the people in my life aren't there for me, just that I don't know how to let them be there for me in certain areas where I am breaking. But in the end... there is me.
Me.
And I will be with me my whole life, no matter what curve balls are thrown my way. And no matter how scary, or sad, or happy things get in my life I will always be there for me. I'm the one who needs to be responsible for picking myself up, dusting myself off and fighting back against the things that try and push me down. (Well me and God anyway, he's a pretty handy sidekick to have in your bat mobile)
So if I seem out of sorts lately, it's just me, trying to learn how to depend on myself as well as the others in my life. If I can't count on myself, then who can count on me? And who can I count on?
I think we all feel that way a little sometimes. Like we're all wearing blindfolds searching out in front of us for someone else to hold onto, to cling to in the dark and uncertain future. Feeling like we might fall over at any second if we don't have someone to balance ourselves on. As much as I love the people I find in the dark, I need to learn to lead myself in the dark. I never know when I wont have my usual's to lean on anymore.
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