When I was in High School, there was this incredibly popular show that you may have heard of: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It the second season Buffy and her vampire lover, Angel, had finally slept together. In that moment Angel lost his human soul making him into an evil vampire again, better known as Angelus. Angelus had ambitions to destroy the world, (at least he had goals right?) so he gets this ancient statue called the Acathla, which is apparently a demon with a sword stuck in its chest. If Angelus removes the sword with the slayers blood on his hands then he will unleash all of hell onto Earth, so like normal, Buffy goes to save the world again. She is fighting him despite how much she loves who he was when he had a soul. As the fight starts to turn for the worst, Buffy is thrown against a wall, slumped on the ground, her sword kicked off to the side, her friends either not with her or unconscious, and there is Angelus, sauntering up to her with the sword he has already removed from this demon that is working on opening a gateway to hell. As he walks up to her he says the following line:
"No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away and what's left?" He goes to make the killing blow and Buffy, girl power in surplus here, stops the blade before it reaches her face with her bare hands, opens her eyes, staring him down with determination and one very powerful word:
"Me."
Now of course at this point she kicks his ass, Willow restores his soul and she has to kill Angel instead of Angelus and it was a very heart wrenching episode. But I remember it very vividly because of that one set of lines.
In my life I have depended on a lot of things, or people, and inevitably they have all left me in some manner or another. (now to be fair I'm not pouting, and all these people or things didn't leave of their own free will) Some have been loved pets who met their end, friends who moved away or I moved from and we drifted apart. Some of them have been people who stepped outside my sharing circle and no longer know what is going in my life (honestly some of them have been downright kicked out of my sharing circle) and others wished to leave because it was where their journey was taking them.
I do have a few constants, a handful of friends who have been there for me since I met them, and family that always stands by me.
But then I have weeks where I feel so completely alone because I'm not sure who or what I can talk to about what aches in my heart, or frustrates my head. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this. Sometimes that ridiculous idiom that we are all as unique as a snowflake backfires and I think, "What if I don't want to be a snowflake? What if I want someone else to be just like me if only so there is someone else who understands what I am thinking?"
Recently I've gone through a lot: Pets dying, guys in other countries mailing love letters back to me and cutting off all communication, family members dying, figuring out what the hell to do with my life at this precipice, fighting with loved ones, fighting my urges to fix everything around me so everyone else is happy, getting my health under control, managing a LOT of different jobs that steal my time, managing my social life. I'm starting to feel like a terrible superwoman with all that I'm trying to do at once. I have found myself thinking a lot in the last week or two that I just really need someone I can lean on and give all my thoughts and concerns too. But I can't really do that. For one thing it isn't fair for me to give all my worries to someone else for them to deal with. Second of all I don't know how comfortable I feel sharing all the things in my head with anyone at the moment, too afraid of hurting feelings, or darkening someones day, or getting a lecture for my feelings. I don't need a teacher, just a listener.
But then this quote comes back into my head. "Me." In the last few years I have done a lot of work on myself, progressing myself forward and digging myself out of a pitty-party grave, and picking myself up. I've done a lot of soul searching and finding out who I am, and what I want or need. I have fixed a lot of my problems (and I have done that with some help from some very good friends) Again I'm not even suggesting for a second that the people in my life aren't there for me, just that I don't know how to let them be there for me in certain areas where I am breaking. But in the end... there is me.
Me.
And I will be with me my whole life, no matter what curve balls are thrown my way. And no matter how scary, or sad, or happy things get in my life I will always be there for me. I'm the one who needs to be responsible for picking myself up, dusting myself off and fighting back against the things that try and push me down. (Well me and God anyway, he's a pretty handy sidekick to have in your bat mobile)
So if I seem out of sorts lately, it's just me, trying to learn how to depend on myself as well as the others in my life. If I can't count on myself, then who can count on me? And who can I count on?
I think we all feel that way a little sometimes. Like we're all wearing blindfolds searching out in front of us for someone else to hold onto, to cling to in the dark and uncertain future. Feeling like we might fall over at any second if we don't have someone to balance ourselves on. As much as I love the people I find in the dark, I need to learn to lead myself in the dark. I never know when I wont have my usual's to lean on anymore.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Vanity
The title of this blog tempts me to do a blog each day for the next seven days about the various sins of the same number. Not sure if I will do that, but still it is tempting. Mainly because I want to talk about something that really vexes me today.
This afternoon I was passing through Western Oregon University's Werner University center, when I heard screams of cheering every few minutes. Curious about what the commotion was about I sought out the Pacific Room where the event was happening. A group called St. Baldricks was shaving the heads of some very sweet and thoughtful young women. These girls, along with many kind young men doing the same thing, were shaving their heads, every lock of precious hair, until they were as bald as John Cena.
I felt an urge suddenly in the pit of my stomach. One that told me, go forward and do it yourself. I assumed, as I watched them gathering up the hair, that they were donating the hair to an organization called "Locks of Love." This organization collects hair and uses it to make wigs for children with cancer who have lost their hair due to chemo treatments. I've donated to them once before when I knocked almost 28 inches of hair from my head. Now I've grown my hair out quite a bit, and it has been a long time since I've had long hair (about 6-7 years actually) but I found myself thinking... "I own a lot of hats. And a couple wigs from Halloween... I could totally do this."
But then this little devil called Vanity started smoking a cigarette on my shoulder. Vanity is naturally my prettiest devil, she has beaten the angel Self Esteem with an ugly stick for years, but she is virtually flawless. She has long red hair that half covers her face like Jessica Rabbit. Her eyes are only slightly less noticeable than her voluptuous breasts and her gorgeous hourglass figure. She has very shapely legs and is always wearing Betty Page-like shoes. Her cigarette is at the end of a long cigarette holder, and she kind of reminds me of a sexy Cruella Devil.So she starts whispering to me "Remember, the Vampire Ball is coming up. And also don't forget how much fun Heather is having, doing your hair every weekend. And I just want to point out that Self Esteem is starting to feel really good about her hair these days. She plays with it non-stop and she thinks that is probably what is getting her so much attention lately. Why would you want to cut all that off?"
I ALMOST listened to her. I found myself nodding to her and saying, "yeah, I mean a lot of other people are donating." WTF?!
No. There are kids who are losing their hair unwillingly regardless of what they have plans to do in a few weeks, and whether or not they have a lot of hats, and their self esteem is suffering from it too. I have never felt so good about lining up a good flick to my shoulder and kicking that skinny legged bitch right off her perch. Her cigarette singed my coat, but it's only a minor burn compared to her crumpled look sitting awkwardly on the floor at Western.
Now comes the part where I am angry. I walked up the sign up booth and asked him if the hair was getting donated to Locks of Love. IT IS NOT!!!!
These girls are just shaving their heads to make a statement to find a cure for cancer.
Let me disillusion you people here. The people behind the cures for cancer? They are not interested in whether or not a few college girls are willingly bald. They are interested in the $10 this charity was charging for you to cut your hair off. So I donated my $10 and kept my hair, because that is all that the organization really wants, but they don't really deserve it. See, it isn't hard to contact a fellow charity that is donating to children with cancer and saying "Hey, we are organizing a college hair shaving. Wanna come collect the hair so those little kids in your Leukemia wards have hair again?" No, isn't. Instead I am watching as lock after lock falls onto the floor and is clumped up in a big garbage bag that ends up in a University trash can.
Vanity had a nice big grin at me then, as she was pleased to know that I wasn't getting rid of my hair. But you know, I still might?
I want your thoughts. And I would like to know if anyone would be willing to join me in going to the salon and saying "Take it all, and give it to a little girl who needs it." I have hats, and my hair grows back.
Maybe I'm just another young person who needs a cause to fight for, and maybe my personal battle with what is apparently my deadliest sin is helping this to be my cause. But you know, I just think that if you are going to give to something, don't slap another charity in the face while you do it. Do you know how hard it is to get these wigs to these poor kids? What they go through, and how many wasted inches are left on Salon floors?
Okay Vanity. Take your little seat on my shoulder, and smoke your cigarette all you want, but realize that you are going to be one bald babe real soon.
I think you should take a look at this song by Rascall Flatts if you need inspiration to shave your head with me ladies (or gents with more than 8inches of hair to give)
This afternoon I was passing through Western Oregon University's Werner University center, when I heard screams of cheering every few minutes. Curious about what the commotion was about I sought out the Pacific Room where the event was happening. A group called St. Baldricks was shaving the heads of some very sweet and thoughtful young women. These girls, along with many kind young men doing the same thing, were shaving their heads, every lock of precious hair, until they were as bald as John Cena.
I felt an urge suddenly in the pit of my stomach. One that told me, go forward and do it yourself. I assumed, as I watched them gathering up the hair, that they were donating the hair to an organization called "Locks of Love." This organization collects hair and uses it to make wigs for children with cancer who have lost their hair due to chemo treatments. I've donated to them once before when I knocked almost 28 inches of hair from my head. Now I've grown my hair out quite a bit, and it has been a long time since I've had long hair (about 6-7 years actually) but I found myself thinking... "I own a lot of hats. And a couple wigs from Halloween... I could totally do this."
But then this little devil called Vanity started smoking a cigarette on my shoulder. Vanity is naturally my prettiest devil, she has beaten the angel Self Esteem with an ugly stick for years, but she is virtually flawless. She has long red hair that half covers her face like Jessica Rabbit. Her eyes are only slightly less noticeable than her voluptuous breasts and her gorgeous hourglass figure. She has very shapely legs and is always wearing Betty Page-like shoes. Her cigarette is at the end of a long cigarette holder, and she kind of reminds me of a sexy Cruella Devil.So she starts whispering to me "Remember, the Vampire Ball is coming up. And also don't forget how much fun Heather is having, doing your hair every weekend. And I just want to point out that Self Esteem is starting to feel really good about her hair these days. She plays with it non-stop and she thinks that is probably what is getting her so much attention lately. Why would you want to cut all that off?"
I ALMOST listened to her. I found myself nodding to her and saying, "yeah, I mean a lot of other people are donating." WTF?!
No. There are kids who are losing their hair unwillingly regardless of what they have plans to do in a few weeks, and whether or not they have a lot of hats, and their self esteem is suffering from it too. I have never felt so good about lining up a good flick to my shoulder and kicking that skinny legged bitch right off her perch. Her cigarette singed my coat, but it's only a minor burn compared to her crumpled look sitting awkwardly on the floor at Western.
Now comes the part where I am angry. I walked up the sign up booth and asked him if the hair was getting donated to Locks of Love. IT IS NOT!!!!
These girls are just shaving their heads to make a statement to find a cure for cancer.
Let me disillusion you people here. The people behind the cures for cancer? They are not interested in whether or not a few college girls are willingly bald. They are interested in the $10 this charity was charging for you to cut your hair off. So I donated my $10 and kept my hair, because that is all that the organization really wants, but they don't really deserve it. See, it isn't hard to contact a fellow charity that is donating to children with cancer and saying "Hey, we are organizing a college hair shaving. Wanna come collect the hair so those little kids in your Leukemia wards have hair again?" No, isn't. Instead I am watching as lock after lock falls onto the floor and is clumped up in a big garbage bag that ends up in a University trash can.
Vanity had a nice big grin at me then, as she was pleased to know that I wasn't getting rid of my hair. But you know, I still might?
I want your thoughts. And I would like to know if anyone would be willing to join me in going to the salon and saying "Take it all, and give it to a little girl who needs it." I have hats, and my hair grows back.
Maybe I'm just another young person who needs a cause to fight for, and maybe my personal battle with what is apparently my deadliest sin is helping this to be my cause. But you know, I just think that if you are going to give to something, don't slap another charity in the face while you do it. Do you know how hard it is to get these wigs to these poor kids? What they go through, and how many wasted inches are left on Salon floors?
Okay Vanity. Take your little seat on my shoulder, and smoke your cigarette all you want, but realize that you are going to be one bald babe real soon.
I think you should take a look at this song by Rascall Flatts if you need inspiration to shave your head with me ladies (or gents with more than 8inches of hair to give)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Life is wasted on youth
When I was in high school I had to do a project for my Sociology class. In that class I was asked to sift through a magazine and count how many pages had ads on them. Of the some 200+ pages in the magazine 96% of them had ads, and then my teacher asked me to find out how many ads were catered to someone over the age of 30. I couldn't find any. This was a lesson that was easily forgotten once the assignment passed, but I found myself thinking about it a lot last night.
See, when I turned 21, I didn't go out drinking and partying it up all night. I didn't have any of the fun "21st birthday!" paraphernalia that you get from Party Depot, and I didn't do the 21 shots on your 21st birthday thing (thank god because that much alcohol is just stupid!) and so my 21st birthday kind of set the mood for my early 20s. See on my 21st birthday my family threw me a small party in my house, Coldstone screwed up my ice cream cake, and my aunts uncles and cousins forgot birthday cards, except my youngest cousin who was sweet enough to draw me one on her way to my house. I then sat in my living room after having the messed up cake with family, playing Spyro the Dragon on my PS2 with my little cousins (who are now not so little anymore)
My 21st birthday was kind of a lot like a quiet 15th birthday. Not the big blow out that is expected for the big Two One. When I was younger I never went out drinking, I didn't go to bars or clubs or dancing. I didn't bother with it. I was the stay in and be safe, and quiet, and read, sort of girl. But lately I've found myself venturing out a bit more. The last couple weekends in particular. And I'm finding that going out into the world on the weekend is fun and entertaining! Hey, I'm hitting the club scene a little late but that's fine right?
So, last night...
I was at this club called Raindrops, it's out at the Spirit Mountain Casino, and frankly I think it was a good club if only for the music they played. A big complaint I've had lately is that every dance club I find only plays this top 40 crap. It's the same songs every weekend and they happen to be the same songs that are overplayed on the radio, and for the most part they suck. But this club? This club plays some of that, with classics mixed in. I was able to dance to Queen, and Def Leopard, Thin Lizzy, Blondie, Twisted Sister, and many more. They played a lot of good music, which I enjoyed.
But as I was sitting on the sofa we had stolen from another group (mainly because Kurt did a good job of making a guy uncomfortable enough to move) and I was waiting for the alcohol to kick in and make me intoxicated enough to be willing to dance on the floor with the other people who were already well deep into the liberation's, I realized the crowd at this particular bar. Not all that different from a regular bar really. I could break it down into 3 categories:
Category #1: Recapturing our youth Oh I'm sure you know these types. They are women pushing 50, but wearing clothes they bought at the 20 and under stores, trying to show cleavage they started dropping almost 15 years ago, their faces are showing the lines of wrinkles that years of stress over kids and smoking have caused, and they shake their hips back and forth while they grab the bottoms of their shirts pulling them up just slightly like they saw in that one White Snake Video back in the day. Men who are sporting West Coast Chopper shirts because it makes them look "bad ass," voices raspy with all the rock music they sang out in their garages in their youth, they still put gel in their hair to look like "The Boss" and their abs have disappeared under the beer-baby they've been incubating since high school. They pulse out their dance moves while cruising up to the hot young 20 something girl, like she's interested in him. These adults are probably trying to get back out on the market after a divorce, or maybe their kids are all moved out and they want to find out how to have fun again. But either way, this particular bar crowd can be both entertaining and disturbing. (Disturbing when they're dancing up on the people young enough to be their kids that is)
Category #2: We do this every weekend These people don't have the heart yet to assign themselves a seat in the local honky tonk bar, where the only real sounds are the juke box and the billiards tables, so they still come to the clubs. But they usually come alone. They never order anything that comes in a high ball glass, with colors, shots, or a piece of fruit on the rim. They are strictly beer drinkers, or perhaps they're sophisticated enough to drink something hard on the rocks. You can usually spot them nursing a bottle at the bar, or leaning against a wall. They don't take up tables because they don't share them with anyone. They never dance, they just people watch, and they almost never smile. It is only a matter of time before these particular creatures do find themselves claiming the well seat at a quieter place, some place they could order a steak if they wanted too, and stare down the cleavage of the bartender who pretends that he's such a sweet old man. Women are not exempt from this category, they are not as common, but when they do show up here they usually make several comments about what terrible things men are and then laugh about it with the other men at the bar.
Category #3: We are the champions of the world Ah yes, youth. Those sweet child-like beings. I don't need to describe them for you, because I'm sure you're all familiar with them, but I will just because I think for the most part they are lumped into the same cliches quite well. They are girls who are wearing short dresses and tall boots, their hair is either flat ironed or curled and packed with enough styling products that it wont budge on the dance floor. They all have small purses because they don't have lives to put into them yet, and they keep these tiny bags attached to their shoulders while they dance, because it is part of the outfit, not because there is anything worth stealing from them. They hold their arms up in the air when they dance, and they say "Woo!" after every shot they take. They only order shots on occasion, and then it is usually a round for their whole group. Mostly they drink things with fun names, Sex on the beach, I kissed a girl, apple-tini, and they never drink beer because it is "gross." No, they prefer colors in their drinks, which is why every bottle behind the bar is a sparkling shade of blue, red, purple, green, yellow or glass clear, which mixes well with the other colors. The later the night gets the more they start to touch themselves while dancing, and they almost always only dance with the other girls. Like a pack of lionesses, they wont let the males into their huddle. And they ALL go up on the dance floor if a girl power song comes on. The men for the most part can't dance. Most of them put their fists up at shoulder level and shake them back and forth like a mild seizure. They usually carry their beers up on the dance floor with them if they can, and they hardly ever order a drink with color because it seems too girly, even if it would lay them flat with its alcohol content. They often use their mobile phones to snap pictures of the girls who suddenly all think they're victoria's secret models on the dance floor. And the men don't ever dance with each other, unless they happen to be gay, but these men dance better in the first place.
If I were to break these categories into percentages I would say that 2% of the people in a bar are from category 2, 15% are from category 1, and all the rest are in the third category. Why? Because when you are young it is okay to spend $100 on drinks in a night. Because you still own club clothes at this age. Because you don't have kids, or a mortgage or responsibilities to adhere too. Just like the ads in the magazine, the bar scene is catered to youth. They have the whole world laid out before them, and they don't even know it. They have no idea how fantastic they look, or how amazing it is to cut loose and feel free on the weekend. I only have a few years left before I don't feel it is a very appropriate scene for me anymore. I don't want to be in either of the other two categories. When I'm pushing 50 I'll be writing, or reading or hiking on the weekends, but I wont be thrashing on the dance floor.
I'll probably be sitting in a hot tub, drinking wine, and thinking about all the things life has brought me up to that point. I wish that youth could truly understand what they have and really appreciate it for what it is. And realize that is why the 50 somethings come back to the bar. They are looking for that magic that they lost somehow, and they know no other way to get it back.
Lucky for me I hold all the secrets. I always know where to find the magic of youth.... my very own fountain.
See, when I turned 21, I didn't go out drinking and partying it up all night. I didn't have any of the fun "21st birthday!" paraphernalia that you get from Party Depot, and I didn't do the 21 shots on your 21st birthday thing (thank god because that much alcohol is just stupid!) and so my 21st birthday kind of set the mood for my early 20s. See on my 21st birthday my family threw me a small party in my house, Coldstone screwed up my ice cream cake, and my aunts uncles and cousins forgot birthday cards, except my youngest cousin who was sweet enough to draw me one on her way to my house. I then sat in my living room after having the messed up cake with family, playing Spyro the Dragon on my PS2 with my little cousins (who are now not so little anymore)
My 21st birthday was kind of a lot like a quiet 15th birthday. Not the big blow out that is expected for the big Two One. When I was younger I never went out drinking, I didn't go to bars or clubs or dancing. I didn't bother with it. I was the stay in and be safe, and quiet, and read, sort of girl. But lately I've found myself venturing out a bit more. The last couple weekends in particular. And I'm finding that going out into the world on the weekend is fun and entertaining! Hey, I'm hitting the club scene a little late but that's fine right?
So, last night...
I was at this club called Raindrops, it's out at the Spirit Mountain Casino, and frankly I think it was a good club if only for the music they played. A big complaint I've had lately is that every dance club I find only plays this top 40 crap. It's the same songs every weekend and they happen to be the same songs that are overplayed on the radio, and for the most part they suck. But this club? This club plays some of that, with classics mixed in. I was able to dance to Queen, and Def Leopard, Thin Lizzy, Blondie, Twisted Sister, and many more. They played a lot of good music, which I enjoyed.
But as I was sitting on the sofa we had stolen from another group (mainly because Kurt did a good job of making a guy uncomfortable enough to move) and I was waiting for the alcohol to kick in and make me intoxicated enough to be willing to dance on the floor with the other people who were already well deep into the liberation's, I realized the crowd at this particular bar. Not all that different from a regular bar really. I could break it down into 3 categories:
Category #1: Recapturing our youth Oh I'm sure you know these types. They are women pushing 50, but wearing clothes they bought at the 20 and under stores, trying to show cleavage they started dropping almost 15 years ago, their faces are showing the lines of wrinkles that years of stress over kids and smoking have caused, and they shake their hips back and forth while they grab the bottoms of their shirts pulling them up just slightly like they saw in that one White Snake Video back in the day. Men who are sporting West Coast Chopper shirts because it makes them look "bad ass," voices raspy with all the rock music they sang out in their garages in their youth, they still put gel in their hair to look like "The Boss" and their abs have disappeared under the beer-baby they've been incubating since high school. They pulse out their dance moves while cruising up to the hot young 20 something girl, like she's interested in him. These adults are probably trying to get back out on the market after a divorce, or maybe their kids are all moved out and they want to find out how to have fun again. But either way, this particular bar crowd can be both entertaining and disturbing. (Disturbing when they're dancing up on the people young enough to be their kids that is)
Category #2: We do this every weekend These people don't have the heart yet to assign themselves a seat in the local honky tonk bar, where the only real sounds are the juke box and the billiards tables, so they still come to the clubs. But they usually come alone. They never order anything that comes in a high ball glass, with colors, shots, or a piece of fruit on the rim. They are strictly beer drinkers, or perhaps they're sophisticated enough to drink something hard on the rocks. You can usually spot them nursing a bottle at the bar, or leaning against a wall. They don't take up tables because they don't share them with anyone. They never dance, they just people watch, and they almost never smile. It is only a matter of time before these particular creatures do find themselves claiming the well seat at a quieter place, some place they could order a steak if they wanted too, and stare down the cleavage of the bartender who pretends that he's such a sweet old man. Women are not exempt from this category, they are not as common, but when they do show up here they usually make several comments about what terrible things men are and then laugh about it with the other men at the bar.
Category #3: We are the champions of the world Ah yes, youth. Those sweet child-like beings. I don't need to describe them for you, because I'm sure you're all familiar with them, but I will just because I think for the most part they are lumped into the same cliches quite well. They are girls who are wearing short dresses and tall boots, their hair is either flat ironed or curled and packed with enough styling products that it wont budge on the dance floor. They all have small purses because they don't have lives to put into them yet, and they keep these tiny bags attached to their shoulders while they dance, because it is part of the outfit, not because there is anything worth stealing from them. They hold their arms up in the air when they dance, and they say "Woo!" after every shot they take. They only order shots on occasion, and then it is usually a round for their whole group. Mostly they drink things with fun names, Sex on the beach, I kissed a girl, apple-tini, and they never drink beer because it is "gross." No, they prefer colors in their drinks, which is why every bottle behind the bar is a sparkling shade of blue, red, purple, green, yellow or glass clear, which mixes well with the other colors. The later the night gets the more they start to touch themselves while dancing, and they almost always only dance with the other girls. Like a pack of lionesses, they wont let the males into their huddle. And they ALL go up on the dance floor if a girl power song comes on. The men for the most part can't dance. Most of them put their fists up at shoulder level and shake them back and forth like a mild seizure. They usually carry their beers up on the dance floor with them if they can, and they hardly ever order a drink with color because it seems too girly, even if it would lay them flat with its alcohol content. They often use their mobile phones to snap pictures of the girls who suddenly all think they're victoria's secret models on the dance floor. And the men don't ever dance with each other, unless they happen to be gay, but these men dance better in the first place.
If I were to break these categories into percentages I would say that 2% of the people in a bar are from category 2, 15% are from category 1, and all the rest are in the third category. Why? Because when you are young it is okay to spend $100 on drinks in a night. Because you still own club clothes at this age. Because you don't have kids, or a mortgage or responsibilities to adhere too. Just like the ads in the magazine, the bar scene is catered to youth. They have the whole world laid out before them, and they don't even know it. They have no idea how fantastic they look, or how amazing it is to cut loose and feel free on the weekend. I only have a few years left before I don't feel it is a very appropriate scene for me anymore. I don't want to be in either of the other two categories. When I'm pushing 50 I'll be writing, or reading or hiking on the weekends, but I wont be thrashing on the dance floor.
I'll probably be sitting in a hot tub, drinking wine, and thinking about all the things life has brought me up to that point. I wish that youth could truly understand what they have and really appreciate it for what it is. And realize that is why the 50 somethings come back to the bar. They are looking for that magic that they lost somehow, and they know no other way to get it back.
Lucky for me I hold all the secrets. I always know where to find the magic of youth.... my very own fountain.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I didn't think I'd feel this way...
This morning my dog of 10 years died, and two days before that my ferret of 7 years died. Both of these animals were my greatest pets I may have ever had, with the exception only of my cat who thank God is still with me. I once heard a quote that, "When you're a creative person you see the world differently than the rest of the world does, and it is your responsibility to project what you see." As a writer I was compelled to sit down at my blog today and write about how upset the whole situation has made me.
But I am finding that I can't really do that. And it isn't because I am so broken hearted that I am unable to write. Perhaps it is because I've gotten older, but I doubt it. Last year in January we had to put our other dog to sleep, and I was broken about it for months. It took me months to finally write a very depressing personal narrative and a heart breaking but really not very impressive poem. Maybe the last year which has proven to have a lot of growth in it, has changed me in unexpected ways.
I sat up late last night with my dog, knowing it was the last night we would spend together, and I held her face as she died this morning, and it did in fact make me cry, but then I found myself not very upset for the rest of the day. I expected to break into tears when anyone mentioned it. I expected to need distraction just to cope, but I've found myself thinking very deeply instead. I have found myself thinking a lot about what this whole event has meant to me. And when I came to the conclusions that I did, I felt that is exactly what I should write about.
Because people who are creative have a responsibility to show the world how they see things.
A good friend and I speculated a few days ago, when I realized that the dog was dying this week, that if dogs lived as long as people, then people wouldn't bother having relationships with other people. Dogs are a superior species when it comes to friendship, they don't judge you, they love you, and even when those closest can't tell that you're upset, the dog knows it instinctively.
My mother had a dog that almost entirely replaced the husband relationship in her life, and it was as hard for her to lose him as it would be for someone to lose their spouse to the same cancer he died of. If he lived as long as she does, I have no doubt in my mind that my mother would never bother to look for human companionship in the future. Perhaps I would have done the same thing, never moved on in my life, knowing that my dog would always be there with me, she would be the only thing that would never leave me, or fight with me or judge me for anything I did.
It is a tempting offer, isn't it? To have a companion as loyal as a dog?
I've found myself listening to the RENT soundtrack a lot today, which I find an unusual choice in soundtrack for this moment, since it doesn't have much to do with the life of my dog. But when I started listening to the last song on the album, (Finale B) I realized it has everything to do with how I view life these days.
For those of you unfamiliar with the soundtrack I want to provide a link to the video of this song so you might understand where the rest of this blog is coming from:RENT Finale B
In this song a dominant line is "No day but today"
If there is something that my dog, and honestly, the ferret too, have taught me it is that there is no day but today. There is no future, and there is no past and every person I meet effects my life. Every animal I encounter touches my heart, and each time I let someone in I learn something, it changes me and shifts me into the person I am. I like the person I am, and so I can't really dislike anyone who has effected that. Even the people whom I don't get along with, and who have impacted my life in a negative way, have changed me into a person I am growing to greatly appreciate.
There will be other people and animals in my life, they will come into my life, and they will leave it too. And I will be so grateful that I had them, even if only for a little while. I am so happy today. I don't look it right now, because I am still adjusting to getting to know the feeling of not having her waiting at the top of the stairs vigilantly for me to get home at night, and trying to imagine not hearing her sing at 2pm each day. But I am so glad I had her for 10 years. I am so glad that I knew her, and so glad that she was such a good friend to me, the best even.
But I am happy. And I look forward to the next friend or creature sent to me for me to learn from.
Raeliah, I will miss you, more than you could ever know, and you have impacted my life in so many great ways. We had a good run together, and I love you so very much.
I hope you're running with Caspian now, and hopefully letting Daxter and Nimh tag along too. I'll see you again someday.
Click below for the last video I took of her, this last Christmas.
Raeliah October 29th, 2000- March 2nd, 2011
No dog ever had a better life
But I am finding that I can't really do that. And it isn't because I am so broken hearted that I am unable to write. Perhaps it is because I've gotten older, but I doubt it. Last year in January we had to put our other dog to sleep, and I was broken about it for months. It took me months to finally write a very depressing personal narrative and a heart breaking but really not very impressive poem. Maybe the last year which has proven to have a lot of growth in it, has changed me in unexpected ways.
I sat up late last night with my dog, knowing it was the last night we would spend together, and I held her face as she died this morning, and it did in fact make me cry, but then I found myself not very upset for the rest of the day. I expected to break into tears when anyone mentioned it. I expected to need distraction just to cope, but I've found myself thinking very deeply instead. I have found myself thinking a lot about what this whole event has meant to me. And when I came to the conclusions that I did, I felt that is exactly what I should write about.
Because people who are creative have a responsibility to show the world how they see things.
A good friend and I speculated a few days ago, when I realized that the dog was dying this week, that if dogs lived as long as people, then people wouldn't bother having relationships with other people. Dogs are a superior species when it comes to friendship, they don't judge you, they love you, and even when those closest can't tell that you're upset, the dog knows it instinctively.
My mother had a dog that almost entirely replaced the husband relationship in her life, and it was as hard for her to lose him as it would be for someone to lose their spouse to the same cancer he died of. If he lived as long as she does, I have no doubt in my mind that my mother would never bother to look for human companionship in the future. Perhaps I would have done the same thing, never moved on in my life, knowing that my dog would always be there with me, she would be the only thing that would never leave me, or fight with me or judge me for anything I did.
It is a tempting offer, isn't it? To have a companion as loyal as a dog?
I've found myself listening to the RENT soundtrack a lot today, which I find an unusual choice in soundtrack for this moment, since it doesn't have much to do with the life of my dog. But when I started listening to the last song on the album, (Finale B) I realized it has everything to do with how I view life these days.
For those of you unfamiliar with the soundtrack I want to provide a link to the video of this song so you might understand where the rest of this blog is coming from:RENT Finale B
In this song a dominant line is "No day but today"
If there is something that my dog, and honestly, the ferret too, have taught me it is that there is no day but today. There is no future, and there is no past and every person I meet effects my life. Every animal I encounter touches my heart, and each time I let someone in I learn something, it changes me and shifts me into the person I am. I like the person I am, and so I can't really dislike anyone who has effected that. Even the people whom I don't get along with, and who have impacted my life in a negative way, have changed me into a person I am growing to greatly appreciate.
There will be other people and animals in my life, they will come into my life, and they will leave it too. And I will be so grateful that I had them, even if only for a little while. I am so happy today. I don't look it right now, because I am still adjusting to getting to know the feeling of not having her waiting at the top of the stairs vigilantly for me to get home at night, and trying to imagine not hearing her sing at 2pm each day. But I am so glad I had her for 10 years. I am so glad that I knew her, and so glad that she was such a good friend to me, the best even.
But I am happy. And I look forward to the next friend or creature sent to me for me to learn from.
Raeliah, I will miss you, more than you could ever know, and you have impacted my life in so many great ways. We had a good run together, and I love you so very much.
I hope you're running with Caspian now, and hopefully letting Daxter and Nimh tag along too. I'll see you again someday.
Click below for the last video I took of her, this last Christmas.
Raeliah October 29th, 2000- March 2nd, 2011
No dog ever had a better life
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The things that move me
So I know people are probably sick of my Lovey dovey nature lately, so I am giving you all a break by telling you: There are other things in the world that move me.
I think we all have things that move us. Things that make our hearts beat faster, or sweat seep to our pores, or make us laugh, or cry. These are the things that make us human, that separate us as much as draw us together. Sometimes it is something like a movie, or the way the iris buds push through the snow in March. Or sometimes it is a quote that stirs something in our soul. But something moves each of us, and sometimes we are lucky to have something move us every single day. So I decided that this week I would put something together, that gives every one of you a glimpse into my soul. A small window to see what exactly moves me. (Warning you, this blog will be link heavy, so if you want to see all the youtube videos of the things that move me I welcome you too, but I will also be talking about them in the blog as well. So not totally necessary.)
The first category:
Right off the bat I want to talk about you-tube specific videos. i.e. videos that originated on you tube and or artists that started off on this particular cultural sensation. (Justin Bieber is not on here) I think that with the new technologies that are out there in our world, there are new ways to advertise ourselves. People who could only showcase their unusual or beautiful talents at county fairs and bars, are now given a larger scope of an audience.
This first clip is from the first you-tube artist I stumbled across. She is an amazingly talented college girl who plays the ukulele, and now you can find her music on itunes. She plays across the country, and internationally now I believe. Her name is Julia Nunes (or Jaaaaaaaa) as some may know her, and I find her to be one of our generations prime examples of talent. Her videos are both entertaining and inspiring. She is funny and smart and clever. I hope you enjoy her music as much as I have. There are a great many videos that I could share of hers, and honestly it was difficult to pick just one. So in the end I decided I would give you three, the first one I stumbled across, my favorite, and one of her newest ones which is just fantastic. So here it is Julia Nunes:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6NHPrYcJpo
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REL5R-Ls3oU
3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_itJ5cVQjeU
Okay the second You-tuber I'm in love with is Charlieissocoolike. If you don't know who this is, you should get to know him. He's a swell dude. A kid from England who I originally found accidently. I was looking up a video on English dialects and found his video titled "how to be English EXTREME" which was basically just how to make a genuine cup of English tea. This kid is so charismatic. He does segments where he lets his fans challenge him to doing some strange things including dying himself purple, or his hair red, or writing a letter to the queen to get knighted. He's also a musician, and he writes songs about Dr.Who, for all you Dr. Who fans. Definitely check him out. For Charlie I decided to show you one of his more recent videos that I just loved. It doesn't have nay of Charlie's music in it, but it does teach American's a little more about the differences between our languages.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnhzA9GrF1o
Molly Lewis brings up the number 3 spot. I originally stumbled onto her back in the days of Myspace. Lets just say that I'm glad I remembered to delete mine... I think.
I hope you enjoy her original song, but I do encourage you to watch her other stuff as well (I'm partial to her cover of Poker Face and her Open Letter to Stephen Fry)
http://www.youtube.com/user/sweetafton23
Okay my next "guest" from my research I can guess his name is Greg Pattillo, and he clearly gets inspiration from Jethro Tull, but his abilities with the flute simply astound me. I hope you get as big a kick out of this guy as I do. Seriously impressive. To beatbox is one thing, to play the flute is one thing, to do them BOTH at the same time is just mind blowing to me. This moves me. I also recommend that you watch his Sesame street and Inspector Gadget videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfrKqFp0Zg
Okay last of the You tube artists. I have no idea what this girls name is. I just know that she is amazing. She is a violinist and this is a video of her playing one of my favorite songs on the violin, then remixing the middle to a rock-ish electric violin song. I love it so much. I hope you all enjoy her as much as I do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1urzZ4VP6o&feature=related
Okay now I'm moving on from the Youtube artists. Lets talk films shall we?
Movies have always inspired and moved me. And being a hopeless romantic, I thought I would start with the top five movie moments that move me. These are scenes that speak to my romantic soul, so they are pretty sappy and will probably make all of you roll your eyes at me, but I can't help it. These are the things that make me write, and make be believe in romance in the world. This first one in particular holds a special place in my heart. Both because I saw this film with my best friend this summer, and because I think creative musicians falling for nerdy science guys is somewhat perfect. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IkoAg6JrPo&feature=related
The second clip that moves me is from the film Big Fish. Now it's no secret what a fan of Ewan McGregor I am, he's possibly my favorite actor. But this film in general speaks to me. It is also nearly impossible to find the specific scene that I'm looking for to share with you, but in searching I've found something better. I found a video set to the song "How I Go" by Yellowcard, which I totally love. The song was written for the movie. Anyway, at 3:06 in the video you'll find the scene of which I'm speaking. If you haven't seen the movie, I wont ruin it for you. But this scene represents the kind of love I've always wanted. The kind that in old age my husband and I still look at each other with the same love and longing of our youth, and I can't bare to be separated from him. I hope you enjoy this song, and video. And go watch this movie if you haven't seen it! It is one of the best there is!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zvz-v_T4jw
This next one is from a musical. I'm a big fan of musicals, and I have never been able to watch this next scene without crying. So without much bravado, the funeral scene from RENT.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAaXD9PscQs
As a Disney fan, it wouldn't be natural if I didn't have a Disney film on here that move me. Honestly so many of them do. But the romantic in me finds this next clip to be the kind of thing that strikes at my heart. Every girl dreams of being a princess when she's little. Of finding a prince charming. What I love about the movie Enchanted, is that the girl found her Prince Charming in the beginning of the movie, only to learn that her true love was not the prince, but the man who could blend her magical fairytale, and the harsh realities of the world, into one perfect dance of true love (oh I know it's sappy!) So here, is So Close by Jon McLaughlin from the Movie Enchanted
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V554A2ksYHc&feature=related
My last favorite movie moment comes from my favorite film. Now no matter how hard I looked, I simply could not find a video of this moment, so I will settle for just the quote. The movie, Life as a house, is about a man who finds out he is dying of terminal cancer and uses the summer with his son, who is not exactly getting boy-of-the-year award, building a house. At one point he tells his son the following quote, and it has stuck with me ever since I first saw the film. It has gotten be through some tough spots, so I thought I would share it here with you.
"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."
Now lets talk humor. The top five things that really make me laugh. The first, is another blog. It was actually the blog that got me into blogging. I have yet to be able to read one of these blogs out loud without having to take a break to stop the gigglefit so I am understandable. The author is Allie Brosh, and she is hillarious. I dare you to read her without laughing. Absolutely dare you. The best really was Kenny Loggins ruined Christmas, but you can check out any of the buttons on the side of her page, they are almost guaranteed to lead you to places of laughter. Enjoy Hyperbole and a Half:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
Poetry is sometimes moving, but it can also be the kind of thing that just makes you laugh. So here is one of my favorite poets, Taylor Mali, in a poem he performed not so long ago. I think the third letter of the poem made me laugh the hardest, I am sure you will too. Taylor Mali reading, "I'll fight you for the library"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qXgPfMGG8E&feature=related
Again with the Disney, but I love Pixar. And honestly no pixar film has ever been rewatched by me quite like this one has. I laugh hard at it every single time I see it, and so I present to you Disney Pixar's Partly Cloudy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y6zNZhB6Lg
And number four in the comedy spot is my favorite web comic of all time. The Order of the Stick. It is a web comic that makes fun of RPG's in particular D&D which I am a big fan of. If you too are a fan of a good gamer comic, I suggest you check this one out.
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0001.html
And the last link to something that makes me laugh is getting no introduction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KANI2dpXLw
The next group of things that move me, are the top five things that have inspired me. These are things that have moved me in my life choices or just in general given me a warm feeling all over. The first of this set is a commercial from the Discovery Channel. It aired a few years ago, and at the time I was heavily into watching all of these shows on the discovery channel. I'm quite the fan of documentaries and history, and in general the natural beauty of our world. It's my favorite kind of reality TV. So here is the "Boom de ada" commercial.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqV3clvlC4Q
Besides the beauty of the real world, I enjoy poetry quite a bit. I didn't used to think I was so good at writing poetry, but I have always loved listening to it. So the next two clips on the top five spot are both poetry. The first is the poem that truly inspired me to be a teacher. This is by slam poet Taylor Mali (who appeared earlier on this list)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU&feature=related
And the second poetry piece on here is by Rachel McKibbons and Marty Mcconnell, doing a slam poetry piece about sex. It is a really rough sort of piece, not for the faint of heart that is for sure. But it is a beautifully done piece that really inspires passion for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZ9zt5fUS00
The next one in this category is by a group called Improv Everywhere, they do random things like have a spontaneous musical in a food court at a mall, in the sort of way it happens in the movies, where the participants come from everywhere and you just don't expect it. This piece is one they did in New York City's Grand central station. They had more than 200 people freeze in place at the same time and stay that way for 5 minutes. It was glorious and amazing! I love this kind of thing, when people shock the hell out of people and snap them out of their bubbles to notice something in their environment around them. Amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwMj3PJDxuo
I love dance, and this last piece in this category was a video that went viral this summer. It happened in Michigan I believe, during a couple's wedding and may have been the saving grace to Chris Brown's single "Forever" as his sales went back up after this video came out. I love this kind of thing, when people think outside of the box of traditions and really put together something that shows how joyous they are, especially at a wedding. I love the freedom and the happiness on the faces of all involved. No imperial death marches down the isle for this couple. Not saying I will do the same stunt at my wedding, but I will say that they inspire me to think out of the box when I do get married, to remember to have fun with it. Not to make it the same cut and dry expensive party every one else will be having.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
Okay lets break away from youtube for awhile shall we? Tired of looking at the links and want to know a little more about me? How about the top 5 most terrifying moments in my life?
For the purpose of this top 5 I am going to do a count down, now here is where you get to really know a glimpse into what terrifies me.
Number 5: This last year my doctor had to have a serious talk with me about my health. He had to tell me all of the things that were wrong with me and tell me if I didn't reverse them right now, I wouldn't see 30. I am currently 28. Being told that I was basically terminal was one of the most terrifying things that has ever happened to me. A big part of the issue was the clogging in the arteries and my constant level of anxiety and stress that was making me a ticking bomb. My knees were wearing out and they were not going to last long either. When they go out, I was told fixing the heart problem would be harder. I was a shoe-in for diabetes and I would be in serious danger for early heart attack and or stroke. Hearing this news made me take immediate action, because I had never been so afraid for my health before. Glad to say I've taken my doctors advice and I've reversed a lot of things, still working hard at it, but I will feel really good when I do turn 30. It means I made it.
Number 4: I have always held a mild fear of natural disasters, and while I am a water baby who loves to swim, I may even be part mermaid, but the natural disasters of flooding terrify and mesmerize me at the same time. Mainly Tsunami's scare me more than anything, but in 2008 there was a lot of water in the Dallas area, and I woke up to my mom coming in my room to tell me my room was flooded. (lost a lot of cool stuff as a result of not keeping my floor picked up) The back yard has a "small" creek running through it, which had turned into a 20' river. It scared the crap out of me. It made a moat across the driveway which made it impossible for us to leave. I was already planning on heading for the hills with my animals. A similar thing used to happen down in California, we'd get bad floods in the winter in the valley, and I recall a memory from when I was about 5-7 years old, and going out on the ranch to try and bring all the cattle in so they wouldn't drown because of the floods stranding them all.
Number 3: Above this, I'd have to put being left by the old fiance. I only mention it because honestly, at the time, I wasn't sure how I would survive without him. I now know that I can, and have, and am excited that it happened even, because it has opened so many doors that would have been closed to me. :) But at the time it was the most terrifying thing to go through, my heart broke into so many pieces. Luckily I'm crafty and put it all back together with duct tape and crazy glue.
Number 2: As many of you know, I was in a terrible car accident in 2002. You can read more about the car accident in the "About a Boy" blog I wrote in January. That accident had me certain that my best friend at the time was going to die. I had lost my immortality that night, and I will never forget the blood curdling scream I heard in the ER as they put the chest tube into my friend to re-inflate her lung, or the words of the police officer looming over my hospital bed telling me he thought they were going to be scraping five kids off the road that night. Very sobering.
Number 1: The number one spot goes to when I was about 5 years old, maybe 4? I went camping with my mom and step-dad at the time. He was playing horseshoes with some of the other men at the campsite, and my mom and step sister and I were all playing Hide and Seek with the other kids at the playground. It came time for my mom and I to hide and she saw this ditch, so she took me by the hand and we ran to it and slid in to hide. What she didn't know at the time was that the ditch was quicksand. We started immediately sinking in it and we both thought we were not going to make it out of there. My mom started screaming for my step sister and a couple of the boys to go get my step dad. I can remember the men from the horseshoes coming to get us, and I remember watching a praying mantis standing on the sand right in front of my face, as I cried for them to take my mommy out first, I didn't want her to die. But of course no one is going to take the full grown woman out of the quicksand and leave the 4 year old girl in it. Luckily both of us survived. But I'd have to say that was the scariest moment in my life.
Now lets talk the top five people who have impacted my life that I've never met:
5. Geoffrey Chaucer. There is a strong chance I'll try to get my PHD in Chaucer. He is my favorite author of the classic literature in my field. He wrote about what he knew, and he did it with humor and wit and passion, not all that unlike what I do, actually. Chaucer is where I get my moniker from: Careful, or you'll wind up in my novel.
4.The Beatles. My mother raised me on them, and they have taught a lot about life and music and what it means to feel the world around you. More they taught me a bit about failure versus success. The Beatles songbook is extensive, and there are songs in there that only hard core Beatles fans have heard of, and even a few that no one has heard of, but they didn't take them out. They still played the songs that weren't hits, they still kept going even when they may not have had such a popular song. It is the sort of thing that makes me feel that in everything I do I have to give it my all, and if I don't hit a home run, oh well, keep playing.
3. Louis Armstrong is one of my favorite artists, he played the trumpet, but he is what inspired me to play the saxophone, he played with such passion and love and life that he made me want to spend my life playing music too. I still can't help but move when I listen to him play or even sing. Not the most melodic voice, but there is something so alive in him. Even still.
2. J.R.R. Tolkien is the author who has gotten me into fantasy as he has with many people in my line of work, and because of him I write fantasy fiction. He inspired me to become a reader, and thus a writer. Making him a big influence on my life.
1. Walt Disney has had a huge impact on my life, he's been an inspiring figure for me both because of the romanticized image of "Uncle Walt" and from the hard work he put into achieving his dreams. He's convinced me never to give up on them.
Top five places in the world I love. This will be more a list, if you need explaination as to why I love these places... you clearly don't know what these places are like.
5. Greece
4. South Africa
3. Fiji or Bali
2. England (or the UK in general)
1. Disney World
Okay here is the last category in the Things that move me thread. Quotes that move me.
5. Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Mark Twain
4. Everyone wants to be the hero, until they have to fight the villain.
3. The color of a mans skin matters not to a blind man, so why is it so many sighted men cannot see?
2. Imagination is the preview of life's coming attractions. -Walt Disney
I think we all have things that move us. Things that make our hearts beat faster, or sweat seep to our pores, or make us laugh, or cry. These are the things that make us human, that separate us as much as draw us together. Sometimes it is something like a movie, or the way the iris buds push through the snow in March. Or sometimes it is a quote that stirs something in our soul. But something moves each of us, and sometimes we are lucky to have something move us every single day. So I decided that this week I would put something together, that gives every one of you a glimpse into my soul. A small window to see what exactly moves me. (Warning you, this blog will be link heavy, so if you want to see all the youtube videos of the things that move me I welcome you too, but I will also be talking about them in the blog as well. So not totally necessary.)
The first category:
Right off the bat I want to talk about you-tube specific videos. i.e. videos that originated on you tube and or artists that started off on this particular cultural sensation. (Justin Bieber is not on here) I think that with the new technologies that are out there in our world, there are new ways to advertise ourselves. People who could only showcase their unusual or beautiful talents at county fairs and bars, are now given a larger scope of an audience.
This first clip is from the first you-tube artist I stumbled across. She is an amazingly talented college girl who plays the ukulele, and now you can find her music on itunes. She plays across the country, and internationally now I believe. Her name is Julia Nunes (or Jaaaaaaaa) as some may know her, and I find her to be one of our generations prime examples of talent. Her videos are both entertaining and inspiring. She is funny and smart and clever. I hope you enjoy her music as much as I have. There are a great many videos that I could share of hers, and honestly it was difficult to pick just one. So in the end I decided I would give you three, the first one I stumbled across, my favorite, and one of her newest ones which is just fantastic. So here it is Julia Nunes:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6NHPrYcJpo
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REL5R-Ls3oU
3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_itJ5cVQjeU
Okay the second You-tuber I'm in love with is Charlieissocoolike. If you don't know who this is, you should get to know him. He's a swell dude. A kid from England who I originally found accidently. I was looking up a video on English dialects and found his video titled "how to be English EXTREME" which was basically just how to make a genuine cup of English tea. This kid is so charismatic. He does segments where he lets his fans challenge him to doing some strange things including dying himself purple, or his hair red, or writing a letter to the queen to get knighted. He's also a musician, and he writes songs about Dr.Who, for all you Dr. Who fans. Definitely check him out. For Charlie I decided to show you one of his more recent videos that I just loved. It doesn't have nay of Charlie's music in it, but it does teach American's a little more about the differences between our languages.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnhzA9GrF1o
Molly Lewis brings up the number 3 spot. I originally stumbled onto her back in the days of Myspace. Lets just say that I'm glad I remembered to delete mine... I think.
I hope you enjoy her original song, but I do encourage you to watch her other stuff as well (I'm partial to her cover of Poker Face and her Open Letter to Stephen Fry)
http://www.youtube.com/user/sweetafton23
Okay my next "guest" from my research I can guess his name is Greg Pattillo, and he clearly gets inspiration from Jethro Tull, but his abilities with the flute simply astound me. I hope you get as big a kick out of this guy as I do. Seriously impressive. To beatbox is one thing, to play the flute is one thing, to do them BOTH at the same time is just mind blowing to me. This moves me. I also recommend that you watch his Sesame street and Inspector Gadget videos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfrKqFp0Zg
Okay last of the You tube artists. I have no idea what this girls name is. I just know that she is amazing. She is a violinist and this is a video of her playing one of my favorite songs on the violin, then remixing the middle to a rock-ish electric violin song. I love it so much. I hope you all enjoy her as much as I do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1urzZ4VP6o&feature=related
Okay now I'm moving on from the Youtube artists. Lets talk films shall we?
Movies have always inspired and moved me. And being a hopeless romantic, I thought I would start with the top five movie moments that move me. These are scenes that speak to my romantic soul, so they are pretty sappy and will probably make all of you roll your eyes at me, but I can't help it. These are the things that make me write, and make be believe in romance in the world. This first one in particular holds a special place in my heart. Both because I saw this film with my best friend this summer, and because I think creative musicians falling for nerdy science guys is somewhat perfect. ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IkoAg6JrPo&feature=related
The second clip that moves me is from the film Big Fish. Now it's no secret what a fan of Ewan McGregor I am, he's possibly my favorite actor. But this film in general speaks to me. It is also nearly impossible to find the specific scene that I'm looking for to share with you, but in searching I've found something better. I found a video set to the song "How I Go" by Yellowcard, which I totally love. The song was written for the movie. Anyway, at 3:06 in the video you'll find the scene of which I'm speaking. If you haven't seen the movie, I wont ruin it for you. But this scene represents the kind of love I've always wanted. The kind that in old age my husband and I still look at each other with the same love and longing of our youth, and I can't bare to be separated from him. I hope you enjoy this song, and video. And go watch this movie if you haven't seen it! It is one of the best there is!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zvz-v_T4jw
This next one is from a musical. I'm a big fan of musicals, and I have never been able to watch this next scene without crying. So without much bravado, the funeral scene from RENT.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAaXD9PscQs
As a Disney fan, it wouldn't be natural if I didn't have a Disney film on here that move me. Honestly so many of them do. But the romantic in me finds this next clip to be the kind of thing that strikes at my heart. Every girl dreams of being a princess when she's little. Of finding a prince charming. What I love about the movie Enchanted, is that the girl found her Prince Charming in the beginning of the movie, only to learn that her true love was not the prince, but the man who could blend her magical fairytale, and the harsh realities of the world, into one perfect dance of true love (oh I know it's sappy!) So here, is So Close by Jon McLaughlin from the Movie Enchanted
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V554A2ksYHc&feature=related
My last favorite movie moment comes from my favorite film. Now no matter how hard I looked, I simply could not find a video of this moment, so I will settle for just the quote. The movie, Life as a house, is about a man who finds out he is dying of terminal cancer and uses the summer with his son, who is not exactly getting boy-of-the-year award, building a house. At one point he tells his son the following quote, and it has stuck with me ever since I first saw the film. It has gotten be through some tough spots, so I thought I would share it here with you.
"You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."
Now lets talk humor. The top five things that really make me laugh. The first, is another blog. It was actually the blog that got me into blogging. I have yet to be able to read one of these blogs out loud without having to take a break to stop the gigglefit so I am understandable. The author is Allie Brosh, and she is hillarious. I dare you to read her without laughing. Absolutely dare you. The best really was Kenny Loggins ruined Christmas, but you can check out any of the buttons on the side of her page, they are almost guaranteed to lead you to places of laughter. Enjoy Hyperbole and a Half:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
Poetry is sometimes moving, but it can also be the kind of thing that just makes you laugh. So here is one of my favorite poets, Taylor Mali, in a poem he performed not so long ago. I think the third letter of the poem made me laugh the hardest, I am sure you will too. Taylor Mali reading, "I'll fight you for the library"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qXgPfMGG8E&feature=related
Again with the Disney, but I love Pixar. And honestly no pixar film has ever been rewatched by me quite like this one has. I laugh hard at it every single time I see it, and so I present to you Disney Pixar's Partly Cloudy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y6zNZhB6Lg
And number four in the comedy spot is my favorite web comic of all time. The Order of the Stick. It is a web comic that makes fun of RPG's in particular D&D which I am a big fan of. If you too are a fan of a good gamer comic, I suggest you check this one out.
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0001.html
And the last link to something that makes me laugh is getting no introduction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KANI2dpXLw
The next group of things that move me, are the top five things that have inspired me. These are things that have moved me in my life choices or just in general given me a warm feeling all over. The first of this set is a commercial from the Discovery Channel. It aired a few years ago, and at the time I was heavily into watching all of these shows on the discovery channel. I'm quite the fan of documentaries and history, and in general the natural beauty of our world. It's my favorite kind of reality TV. So here is the "Boom de ada" commercial.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqV3clvlC4Q
Besides the beauty of the real world, I enjoy poetry quite a bit. I didn't used to think I was so good at writing poetry, but I have always loved listening to it. So the next two clips on the top five spot are both poetry. The first is the poem that truly inspired me to be a teacher. This is by slam poet Taylor Mali (who appeared earlier on this list)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU&feature=related
And the second poetry piece on here is by Rachel McKibbons and Marty Mcconnell, doing a slam poetry piece about sex. It is a really rough sort of piece, not for the faint of heart that is for sure. But it is a beautifully done piece that really inspires passion for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZ9zt5fUS00
The next one in this category is by a group called Improv Everywhere, they do random things like have a spontaneous musical in a food court at a mall, in the sort of way it happens in the movies, where the participants come from everywhere and you just don't expect it. This piece is one they did in New York City's Grand central station. They had more than 200 people freeze in place at the same time and stay that way for 5 minutes. It was glorious and amazing! I love this kind of thing, when people shock the hell out of people and snap them out of their bubbles to notice something in their environment around them. Amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwMj3PJDxuo
I love dance, and this last piece in this category was a video that went viral this summer. It happened in Michigan I believe, during a couple's wedding and may have been the saving grace to Chris Brown's single "Forever" as his sales went back up after this video came out. I love this kind of thing, when people think outside of the box of traditions and really put together something that shows how joyous they are, especially at a wedding. I love the freedom and the happiness on the faces of all involved. No imperial death marches down the isle for this couple. Not saying I will do the same stunt at my wedding, but I will say that they inspire me to think out of the box when I do get married, to remember to have fun with it. Not to make it the same cut and dry expensive party every one else will be having.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0
Okay lets break away from youtube for awhile shall we? Tired of looking at the links and want to know a little more about me? How about the top 5 most terrifying moments in my life?
For the purpose of this top 5 I am going to do a count down, now here is where you get to really know a glimpse into what terrifies me.
Number 5: This last year my doctor had to have a serious talk with me about my health. He had to tell me all of the things that were wrong with me and tell me if I didn't reverse them right now, I wouldn't see 30. I am currently 28. Being told that I was basically terminal was one of the most terrifying things that has ever happened to me. A big part of the issue was the clogging in the arteries and my constant level of anxiety and stress that was making me a ticking bomb. My knees were wearing out and they were not going to last long either. When they go out, I was told fixing the heart problem would be harder. I was a shoe-in for diabetes and I would be in serious danger for early heart attack and or stroke. Hearing this news made me take immediate action, because I had never been so afraid for my health before. Glad to say I've taken my doctors advice and I've reversed a lot of things, still working hard at it, but I will feel really good when I do turn 30. It means I made it.
Number 4: I have always held a mild fear of natural disasters, and while I am a water baby who loves to swim, I may even be part mermaid, but the natural disasters of flooding terrify and mesmerize me at the same time. Mainly Tsunami's scare me more than anything, but in 2008 there was a lot of water in the Dallas area, and I woke up to my mom coming in my room to tell me my room was flooded. (lost a lot of cool stuff as a result of not keeping my floor picked up) The back yard has a "small" creek running through it, which had turned into a 20' river. It scared the crap out of me. It made a moat across the driveway which made it impossible for us to leave. I was already planning on heading for the hills with my animals. A similar thing used to happen down in California, we'd get bad floods in the winter in the valley, and I recall a memory from when I was about 5-7 years old, and going out on the ranch to try and bring all the cattle in so they wouldn't drown because of the floods stranding them all.
Number 3: Above this, I'd have to put being left by the old fiance. I only mention it because honestly, at the time, I wasn't sure how I would survive without him. I now know that I can, and have, and am excited that it happened even, because it has opened so many doors that would have been closed to me. :) But at the time it was the most terrifying thing to go through, my heart broke into so many pieces. Luckily I'm crafty and put it all back together with duct tape and crazy glue.
Number 2: As many of you know, I was in a terrible car accident in 2002. You can read more about the car accident in the "About a Boy" blog I wrote in January. That accident had me certain that my best friend at the time was going to die. I had lost my immortality that night, and I will never forget the blood curdling scream I heard in the ER as they put the chest tube into my friend to re-inflate her lung, or the words of the police officer looming over my hospital bed telling me he thought they were going to be scraping five kids off the road that night. Very sobering.
Number 1: The number one spot goes to when I was about 5 years old, maybe 4? I went camping with my mom and step-dad at the time. He was playing horseshoes with some of the other men at the campsite, and my mom and step sister and I were all playing Hide and Seek with the other kids at the playground. It came time for my mom and I to hide and she saw this ditch, so she took me by the hand and we ran to it and slid in to hide. What she didn't know at the time was that the ditch was quicksand. We started immediately sinking in it and we both thought we were not going to make it out of there. My mom started screaming for my step sister and a couple of the boys to go get my step dad. I can remember the men from the horseshoes coming to get us, and I remember watching a praying mantis standing on the sand right in front of my face, as I cried for them to take my mommy out first, I didn't want her to die. But of course no one is going to take the full grown woman out of the quicksand and leave the 4 year old girl in it. Luckily both of us survived. But I'd have to say that was the scariest moment in my life.
Now lets talk the top five people who have impacted my life that I've never met:
5. Geoffrey Chaucer. There is a strong chance I'll try to get my PHD in Chaucer. He is my favorite author of the classic literature in my field. He wrote about what he knew, and he did it with humor and wit and passion, not all that unlike what I do, actually. Chaucer is where I get my moniker from: Careful, or you'll wind up in my novel.
4.The Beatles. My mother raised me on them, and they have taught a lot about life and music and what it means to feel the world around you. More they taught me a bit about failure versus success. The Beatles songbook is extensive, and there are songs in there that only hard core Beatles fans have heard of, and even a few that no one has heard of, but they didn't take them out. They still played the songs that weren't hits, they still kept going even when they may not have had such a popular song. It is the sort of thing that makes me feel that in everything I do I have to give it my all, and if I don't hit a home run, oh well, keep playing.
3. Louis Armstrong is one of my favorite artists, he played the trumpet, but he is what inspired me to play the saxophone, he played with such passion and love and life that he made me want to spend my life playing music too. I still can't help but move when I listen to him play or even sing. Not the most melodic voice, but there is something so alive in him. Even still.
2. J.R.R. Tolkien is the author who has gotten me into fantasy as he has with many people in my line of work, and because of him I write fantasy fiction. He inspired me to become a reader, and thus a writer. Making him a big influence on my life.
1. Walt Disney has had a huge impact on my life, he's been an inspiring figure for me both because of the romanticized image of "Uncle Walt" and from the hard work he put into achieving his dreams. He's convinced me never to give up on them.
Top five places in the world I love. This will be more a list, if you need explaination as to why I love these places... you clearly don't know what these places are like.
5. Greece
4. South Africa
3. Fiji or Bali
2. England (or the UK in general)
1. Disney World
Okay here is the last category in the Things that move me thread. Quotes that move me.
5. Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Mark Twain
4. Everyone wants to be the hero, until they have to fight the villain.
3. The color of a mans skin matters not to a blind man, so why is it so many sighted men cannot see?
2. Imagination is the preview of life's coming attractions. -Walt Disney
1. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous
Actually who are you not to be
We were born to make manifest, the glory of god that's within us
And as we let our own light shine
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
Okay, so that is it. The things that move me. I would love to see in the comments section some things that move you. I'm always looking for new inspiration! I hope you've enjoyed this (incredibly long) blog!
Thank you as always for reading <3
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
What a lovely and frightening world we live in
Caught
When I was little
My grandfather would take me
fishing.
He would bait the hook for me
and hand me the pole.
Bare toes sank into mud
the thickness of mashed potatoes.
Patient,
waiting,
quiet.
"Don't say anything." He would
whisper.
"Can't scare the fish"
And 6 years of brown hair
covered my innocent face
as I stared, wide eyed, into the water
Knowing there was a fish
in there,
for me.
I had never caught anything
a poor fisherman.
Maybe I made a noise,
maybe I scared the fish.
Maybe I was in the wrong pond...
Older, wiser,
years have jaded me.
Suddenly, I cast a glance into the water
Love weary and broken, but there!
a reflection--
A small stirring beneath glass.
I don't make a sound,
"Can't scare the fish"
Resisting the urge
to thrust my hand into the water
and pull him to me.
So we stay, staring, both thinking, feeling
needing.
To know there is still hope
and passion,
love.
I slowly set my hand on the water,
from the other side
he does the same
My eyes close
and I smile--
Caught.
Always a romantic right? Ever since I was little I've been one actually. I've loved so completely in my lifetime, whether it was an animal, or a person, or a novel. My heart is a few sizes to great, and beats out of my chest whenever I encounter something that captures my romantic attention. When I was reaching adolescence I played matchmaker for all of my friends, I loved setting them up... often with my crushes. But I kept my feelings silent, I was so happy that there was love in the world, that even if it couldn't be mine, it could still be.
I still tend to think this way. The romantic in me falls in love with poets who marked in their pages that there was once something so great it captured all of their attention, and those tomes have become immortal documentations of what could potentially be the greatest feeling we know.
I know what you're thinking, don't get ahead of me.
Oh how cliche`, Valentines day goes by and suddenly we're reading another blog about love? Hear me out okay? This one is important.
So in all my searching for this amazing feeling, I've only ever truly felt it once. Or thought I did anyway. He wasn't perfect, but I thought he was. He was sweet and kind and when he looked at me his eyes would sparkle and made me forget my flaws. But when that ended I felt this sinking feeling that the poets had been wrong. I retreated into myself. I delved into my writing, became a writer even, and in that effort I started writing love into reality.
I would create story after story of romance, something I could never actually achieve. Who wouldn't want their life to be a little like a good movie, or a great novel? To find themselves impossibly feeling for someone that they barely know. That feeling that is all at once frightening and exhilirating. A feeling like some all powerful being, who I like to call my author, has said "okay, I give, time to meet your match. I think you'll like this one, I made him just for you." I know because I've said this to my characters. Just when they think their life is empty and they've been hurt too many times to ever love, but they patiently have faith in the feeling that the world quietly runs on, I give them their match, and fill them with confusing feelings of "I always have known it would be you, haven't I?" And I never realized how frightened my characters must have been of themselves.
All at once, everything is different. The world looks... brighter.
I have not stopped smiling in 4 days. Some of you have noticed. I have also laughed more than is humanly possible I think. I keep thinking about him. And I feel so incredibly happy, a feeling I can't remember truly feeling like this in I don't know how long. We have more in common than I ever thought possible. Granted he doesn't seem thrilled about my suggestion that he enjoy going to Disney World with me at some point, but so far? thats about the only thing that we DON'T have in common. We read the same books, laugh at the same jokes, watch most of the same movies, listen to a lot of the same music and we both can appreciate the nerdier things in life. Like he was written for me.
And last night, I was filled with this incredibly frightening feeling. "I've only known him for four days. How come I feel like this?" Well my characters will be written more realisticly now, thats for sure. Because I start thinking to myself, "isn't this a bit soon? Isn't it a little silly to go for the first one you catch in years? shouldn't you expand your horizons and see what else is out there?" But I'm a writer, I already know the answer is no.
Because when you're a hopeless romantic, you know, you just do, that something feels right, and it shouldn't be ignored.
This feels right, and there are 6000 miles between us. A whole continetn and an ocean to boot. While I hate the distance, it doesn't phase me. Eventually. A word I had come to hate before, a word that was another way to say Never. And now, I find myself realizing it means hope. Soon I will bridge the gap between us. Soon I will understand this complete feeling I'm feeling. It's strong, and I don't understand it. I haven't felt it before.
And I find myself so grateful that I didn't find it sooner, I may not have been strong enough to handle it then. But now?
Now it feels perfect. And I find myself quite... caught.
When I was little
My grandfather would take me
fishing.
He would bait the hook for me
and hand me the pole.
Bare toes sank into mud
the thickness of mashed potatoes.
Patient,
waiting,
quiet.
"Don't say anything." He would
whisper.
"Can't scare the fish"
And 6 years of brown hair
covered my innocent face
as I stared, wide eyed, into the water
Knowing there was a fish
in there,
for me.
I had never caught anything
a poor fisherman.
Maybe I made a noise,
maybe I scared the fish.
Maybe I was in the wrong pond...
Older, wiser,
years have jaded me.
Suddenly, I cast a glance into the water
Love weary and broken, but there!
a reflection--
A small stirring beneath glass.
I don't make a sound,
"Can't scare the fish"
Resisting the urge
to thrust my hand into the water
and pull him to me.
So we stay, staring, both thinking, feeling
needing.
To know there is still hope
and passion,
love.
I slowly set my hand on the water,
from the other side
he does the same
My eyes close
and I smile--
Caught.
Always a romantic right? Ever since I was little I've been one actually. I've loved so completely in my lifetime, whether it was an animal, or a person, or a novel. My heart is a few sizes to great, and beats out of my chest whenever I encounter something that captures my romantic attention. When I was reaching adolescence I played matchmaker for all of my friends, I loved setting them up... often with my crushes. But I kept my feelings silent, I was so happy that there was love in the world, that even if it couldn't be mine, it could still be.
I still tend to think this way. The romantic in me falls in love with poets who marked in their pages that there was once something so great it captured all of their attention, and those tomes have become immortal documentations of what could potentially be the greatest feeling we know.
I know what you're thinking, don't get ahead of me.
Oh how cliche`, Valentines day goes by and suddenly we're reading another blog about love? Hear me out okay? This one is important.
So in all my searching for this amazing feeling, I've only ever truly felt it once. Or thought I did anyway. He wasn't perfect, but I thought he was. He was sweet and kind and when he looked at me his eyes would sparkle and made me forget my flaws. But when that ended I felt this sinking feeling that the poets had been wrong. I retreated into myself. I delved into my writing, became a writer even, and in that effort I started writing love into reality.
I would create story after story of romance, something I could never actually achieve. Who wouldn't want their life to be a little like a good movie, or a great novel? To find themselves impossibly feeling for someone that they barely know. That feeling that is all at once frightening and exhilirating. A feeling like some all powerful being, who I like to call my author, has said "okay, I give, time to meet your match. I think you'll like this one, I made him just for you." I know because I've said this to my characters. Just when they think their life is empty and they've been hurt too many times to ever love, but they patiently have faith in the feeling that the world quietly runs on, I give them their match, and fill them with confusing feelings of "I always have known it would be you, haven't I?" And I never realized how frightened my characters must have been of themselves.
All at once, everything is different. The world looks... brighter.
I have not stopped smiling in 4 days. Some of you have noticed. I have also laughed more than is humanly possible I think. I keep thinking about him. And I feel so incredibly happy, a feeling I can't remember truly feeling like this in I don't know how long. We have more in common than I ever thought possible. Granted he doesn't seem thrilled about my suggestion that he enjoy going to Disney World with me at some point, but so far? thats about the only thing that we DON'T have in common. We read the same books, laugh at the same jokes, watch most of the same movies, listen to a lot of the same music and we both can appreciate the nerdier things in life. Like he was written for me.
And last night, I was filled with this incredibly frightening feeling. "I've only known him for four days. How come I feel like this?" Well my characters will be written more realisticly now, thats for sure. Because I start thinking to myself, "isn't this a bit soon? Isn't it a little silly to go for the first one you catch in years? shouldn't you expand your horizons and see what else is out there?" But I'm a writer, I already know the answer is no.
Because when you're a hopeless romantic, you know, you just do, that something feels right, and it shouldn't be ignored.
This feels right, and there are 6000 miles between us. A whole continetn and an ocean to boot. While I hate the distance, it doesn't phase me. Eventually. A word I had come to hate before, a word that was another way to say Never. And now, I find myself realizing it means hope. Soon I will bridge the gap between us. Soon I will understand this complete feeling I'm feeling. It's strong, and I don't understand it. I haven't felt it before.
And I find myself so grateful that I didn't find it sooner, I may not have been strong enough to handle it then. But now?
Now it feels perfect. And I find myself quite... caught.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Fishing Trip or My experience with Online Dating
I know what you're thinking... online dating? Really? Why do you need online dating?
My grandmother will read this and say "Oh my gosh Athena! Be careful you never know what kind of wackos you can meet there, and then you go and meet them and that's it. The next thing you know you're in the trunk of a car (the boot for you UK folk) and we'll never see you again!"
My mother will read this and say "Just don't end up with anyone too old for you." Which is ironic because her last husband was my age. Still is my age, but he isn't her husband anymore. Maybe that's why she'll have this warning.
My best friend will read this and agree with the flaws of online dating, having experienced it herself.
My other best friend will read this and tell me how much this will change my life, as she is now going to marry the person that she met through the same site I can now be found on.
So, what do I think of online dating? Do read on and I'll tell you....
There are a lot of stigmas about online dating. The internet is this strange new country of its own that we all don't really know what to do with. Who is its king? What are the rules? What laws do we follow? Can you get kicked out of it? Is there an internet prison? No. No the internet is pure chaos where anything goes. I have 4 sets of cosmetic contacts, and I have them because I didn't have to go into a US doctors office and get an exam in order to get them. Despite US medical laws, I just went onto a UK site and ordered the contacts, they were then shipped to me as "Eye cosmetics" which I imagine is how they get through customs.
My point is, the internet is this place that we all love to use for its convenience but in some ways, its lack of rules scares us. It's the virtual equivalent of walking by yourself on a dark street at night. You are confronted with trust issues, and you wonder... "Is something about to get me?"
Because of the subtle social fear of the internet, we have developed a social stigma about meeting people from it. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and then they say to you, "Did you hear Jen is getting married? Some guy she met off the internet!" it sounds so scandalous. But do we take into consideration that when we go out to the old singles pick up sites, we are taking the same risks? I could go to a bar/pub/club/party and meet some random guy, who is cute from certain angles. He could feed me a few lines about how awesome he is (because we all oversell a little don't we?) I could take his number, call him in a day or so (the little games we've learned to play so we don't seem desperate but we don't lose the catch) and then we go out on a date, and he turns out to be someone with a strange sexual fetish (like the Furries people) or hell, Grandma, I could end up in his trunk and you'd never see me again.
We live in a world without trust. But the truth is, the world is not so much more dangerous than it ever was. But with mass media, we are more aware of it. Folklore is FILLED with stories about children being carried off by fairies, or men and women being seduced by magic creatures of the woods and never seen or heard from again. Now, on the one hand the stories could be true. But on the more likely hand, we are probably reading the way these dark age ancestors of ours dealt with the sorrow of someone mysteriously going missing. A missing child is terrifying. It is easier to grieve thinking they've gone off to live in a magic fairy land, than to imagine another adult in the village is responsible for their demise.
But, back to dating on the internet. The Greek philosopher Plato said that all humans used to be creatures with four legs and four arms, and a single head made of two faces. But Zeus was afraid of their power, so he drove his hand between them, splitting all humans and condemning them to endlessly search for their other half. This was supposed to keep them distracted through their lifetimes. So this is where we get the ideas of Soul Mates from. Now, the world has gotten much bigger since Plato's time. So do soul mates still exist? Are we still looking for "the one" who completes us? If so, did the gods, or One God depending on your faith, do us a sudden favor and put us in the same town or city or even country as our soul mate? Well if Plato is right, and Zeus did it to make us busy, I would say... probably not.
Now it could be. My soul mate could be less than a mile from me for all I know. But how am I really going to find them if I don't search everywhere for him? The internet then becomes a very powerful tool, and Plato may have believed it to be the very thing to put Zeus in his place for splitting us as it is.
So... online dating huh?
Yeah, I'm not going to lie. I didn't want to be one of those people who was on an online dating site. It seemed like such a last ditch effort move. I'm a pretty cool person. I'm pretty, and sweet, funny and talented (and I'm not just puffing myself up here, stay with me) so why should I need to find someone on an online site? Because I may be denying myself the opportunity to know the other half if I don't? That's one answer. Another answer is that after the last few years in Oregon, I haven't done so well at finding so much as a boyfriend, let alone Mr. Soul Mate extrodinare. Maybe it's because I've been to busy to really look for him. Maybe I started thinking I was a character in one of my books and I thought that the powers that be would write him into my life and I wouldn't have to do any of the work. But when I do that, I tend to settle. I tend to get crushes on guys who don't deserve my attention, and get engaged to guys that dump me to "find themselves"
But maybe somewhere I haven't searched yet, there is a guy who is totally into my vibe. Someone who enjoys reading and writing. Who wants to hear me talk about my latest character or story. Someone who likes my jokes and my taste in music. Someone who doesn't just want to use me for a taxi service because he can't afford his own gas. Someone who is actually going to ask me to be his Valentine. Maybe. But it's worth trying isn't it?
So this site? I've found this place, thanks to a dear friend, called Plenty of Fish. It's free, so I didn't have anything to lose. I wish it had a feature to just let you search the world as opposed to people only in your area. Now, I've already had quite a few people talk to me. And to be honest? Most of them have asked me to sleep with them within the first or second message they've sent. A couple have attempted to get nude photos from me (mom, grandma, don't panic. I don't do nude photos for anyone. Not even semi-risque ones.) and there have been a handful that think they are already in love with me (I've only been on the site for 24 hours by the time this blog was written). BUT! Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say.
Maybe this online dating thing will work out for me, like it worked out for others. Or maybe it will be another flop in the romance department. Who knows. But I'm not limiting myself with where I am capable of finding love.
Valentines day is one day away. I'm single another year, and without so much as a date, except that my best friend and I are going to watch a movie together over Skype, because we live in separate states. I get that people call this single awareness day for a reason, but I refuse to adopt that. It only makes me further feel like I've given up on love. I haven't. I wont. I may not find it till I'm fifty or past years of childbearing age, but I don't believe my writer is going to do that for me. I think He's just waiting for me to take initiative.
Well here I am author! I'm putting myself out there! Write me a relationship! Write me another half! Write me a date for 2012 please. I'd just like to be taken seriously. Taken literally, taken sarcastically, or hell, just taken. But take me somewhere. Take me on an adventure and show me that there is still romance in the world, and that I am going to be a part of it.
Mr. other half? I hope you are reading this. I hope you realize I'm holding the other half of your face, your other pair of arms, other set of legs, other beating heart. And I'm waiting to show Zeus that we are stronger now, with another pair of legs to stand with, another set of arms to hold with, another heart to survive our love a little further, two faces joined in a sweet kiss, reminding me that I've seen you once before, when a god passed his hand between us and decided we'd be too strong together.
My grandmother will read this and say "Oh my gosh Athena! Be careful you never know what kind of wackos you can meet there, and then you go and meet them and that's it. The next thing you know you're in the trunk of a car (the boot for you UK folk) and we'll never see you again!"
My mother will read this and say "Just don't end up with anyone too old for you." Which is ironic because her last husband was my age. Still is my age, but he isn't her husband anymore. Maybe that's why she'll have this warning.
My best friend will read this and agree with the flaws of online dating, having experienced it herself.
My other best friend will read this and tell me how much this will change my life, as she is now going to marry the person that she met through the same site I can now be found on.
So, what do I think of online dating? Do read on and I'll tell you....
There are a lot of stigmas about online dating. The internet is this strange new country of its own that we all don't really know what to do with. Who is its king? What are the rules? What laws do we follow? Can you get kicked out of it? Is there an internet prison? No. No the internet is pure chaos where anything goes. I have 4 sets of cosmetic contacts, and I have them because I didn't have to go into a US doctors office and get an exam in order to get them. Despite US medical laws, I just went onto a UK site and ordered the contacts, they were then shipped to me as "Eye cosmetics" which I imagine is how they get through customs.
My point is, the internet is this place that we all love to use for its convenience but in some ways, its lack of rules scares us. It's the virtual equivalent of walking by yourself on a dark street at night. You are confronted with trust issues, and you wonder... "Is something about to get me?"
Because of the subtle social fear of the internet, we have developed a social stigma about meeting people from it. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and then they say to you, "Did you hear Jen is getting married? Some guy she met off the internet!" it sounds so scandalous. But do we take into consideration that when we go out to the old singles pick up sites, we are taking the same risks? I could go to a bar/pub/club/party and meet some random guy, who is cute from certain angles. He could feed me a few lines about how awesome he is (because we all oversell a little don't we?) I could take his number, call him in a day or so (the little games we've learned to play so we don't seem desperate but we don't lose the catch) and then we go out on a date, and he turns out to be someone with a strange sexual fetish (like the Furries people) or hell, Grandma, I could end up in his trunk and you'd never see me again.
We live in a world without trust. But the truth is, the world is not so much more dangerous than it ever was. But with mass media, we are more aware of it. Folklore is FILLED with stories about children being carried off by fairies, or men and women being seduced by magic creatures of the woods and never seen or heard from again. Now, on the one hand the stories could be true. But on the more likely hand, we are probably reading the way these dark age ancestors of ours dealt with the sorrow of someone mysteriously going missing. A missing child is terrifying. It is easier to grieve thinking they've gone off to live in a magic fairy land, than to imagine another adult in the village is responsible for their demise.
But, back to dating on the internet. The Greek philosopher Plato said that all humans used to be creatures with four legs and four arms, and a single head made of two faces. But Zeus was afraid of their power, so he drove his hand between them, splitting all humans and condemning them to endlessly search for their other half. This was supposed to keep them distracted through their lifetimes. So this is where we get the ideas of Soul Mates from. Now, the world has gotten much bigger since Plato's time. So do soul mates still exist? Are we still looking for "the one" who completes us? If so, did the gods, or One God depending on your faith, do us a sudden favor and put us in the same town or city or even country as our soul mate? Well if Plato is right, and Zeus did it to make us busy, I would say... probably not.
Now it could be. My soul mate could be less than a mile from me for all I know. But how am I really going to find them if I don't search everywhere for him? The internet then becomes a very powerful tool, and Plato may have believed it to be the very thing to put Zeus in his place for splitting us as it is.
So... online dating huh?
Yeah, I'm not going to lie. I didn't want to be one of those people who was on an online dating site. It seemed like such a last ditch effort move. I'm a pretty cool person. I'm pretty, and sweet, funny and talented (and I'm not just puffing myself up here, stay with me) so why should I need to find someone on an online site? Because I may be denying myself the opportunity to know the other half if I don't? That's one answer. Another answer is that after the last few years in Oregon, I haven't done so well at finding so much as a boyfriend, let alone Mr. Soul Mate extrodinare. Maybe it's because I've been to busy to really look for him. Maybe I started thinking I was a character in one of my books and I thought that the powers that be would write him into my life and I wouldn't have to do any of the work. But when I do that, I tend to settle. I tend to get crushes on guys who don't deserve my attention, and get engaged to guys that dump me to "find themselves"
But maybe somewhere I haven't searched yet, there is a guy who is totally into my vibe. Someone who enjoys reading and writing. Who wants to hear me talk about my latest character or story. Someone who likes my jokes and my taste in music. Someone who doesn't just want to use me for a taxi service because he can't afford his own gas. Someone who is actually going to ask me to be his Valentine. Maybe. But it's worth trying isn't it?
So this site? I've found this place, thanks to a dear friend, called Plenty of Fish. It's free, so I didn't have anything to lose. I wish it had a feature to just let you search the world as opposed to people only in your area. Now, I've already had quite a few people talk to me. And to be honest? Most of them have asked me to sleep with them within the first or second message they've sent. A couple have attempted to get nude photos from me (mom, grandma, don't panic. I don't do nude photos for anyone. Not even semi-risque ones.) and there have been a handful that think they are already in love with me (I've only been on the site for 24 hours by the time this blog was written). BUT! Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say.
Maybe this online dating thing will work out for me, like it worked out for others. Or maybe it will be another flop in the romance department. Who knows. But I'm not limiting myself with where I am capable of finding love.
Valentines day is one day away. I'm single another year, and without so much as a date, except that my best friend and I are going to watch a movie together over Skype, because we live in separate states. I get that people call this single awareness day for a reason, but I refuse to adopt that. It only makes me further feel like I've given up on love. I haven't. I wont. I may not find it till I'm fifty or past years of childbearing age, but I don't believe my writer is going to do that for me. I think He's just waiting for me to take initiative.
Well here I am author! I'm putting myself out there! Write me a relationship! Write me another half! Write me a date for 2012 please. I'd just like to be taken seriously. Taken literally, taken sarcastically, or hell, just taken. But take me somewhere. Take me on an adventure and show me that there is still romance in the world, and that I am going to be a part of it.
Mr. other half? I hope you are reading this. I hope you realize I'm holding the other half of your face, your other pair of arms, other set of legs, other beating heart. And I'm waiting to show Zeus that we are stronger now, with another pair of legs to stand with, another set of arms to hold with, another heart to survive our love a little further, two faces joined in a sweet kiss, reminding me that I've seen you once before, when a god passed his hand between us and decided we'd be too strong together.
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